Guess Who's Back

I've been thinking about this for a while and I've decided to return.  Again.  This time however things are going to be different.  No more self pity bullshit.  Sure I might still moan a bit when things get stressful but that's not the point of this.

Here's the deal.

I'm currently in my 3rd year of university and that means I have to plan the next step in my future and for me that hopefully means a PGCE and then in to teaching.  My plan is to record as much as I can right the way through from the application process through to my first year of teaching.  This means this space is probably going to undergo a fair few make overs for a bit while I figure things out but we'll figure things out soon enough.  I considered just creating a new blog but I've had enough in the past that its not worth making another.  I'm not going to commit to a schedule or anything yet so I guess we'll just see what happens and see if I stick with this.

Returning To Spoonie Goes Sporty

I've gone back to using my other blog again now things are better.  I will still keep up with this one for everything to do with the mind and go there for everything to do with the body! (sorry, no 50 shades style shit though!)

It has tips on loosing weight safely, my weight loss journey and using biology to debunk the bullshit!  Would be awesome if you could check it out.

http://spooniegoessporty.blogspot.co.uk/

Money.

Can I just make something clear.  When I say I have no money I mean I have a couple of pence in the bank not millions as people seem to think.  I'm fed up of being told I must have money, I have a job.  The other day i was compared to someone else who is payed the same as me and earns the same as me and was reminded how she's always bragging about how much she has and how it must be because she was used to worse pay.  I then had to sit there and explain to this person that actually I have to pay for everything.  She didn't seem to get the hint and it actually really upset me.

Just to sum up this month to show you why I am so broke:

Paid £70

-£50 for phone bill
-£25 for biology text books
-£25 for sociology textbooks
-£30 for clothes (yes it was a necessary expense including work shoes and trust me, I buy as cheap as possible)
-£100 for driving lessons
-Money for lunch.  Oh wait, I couldn't afford it.

Lets add this up shall we?  So I'm loaded, right?

Bank balance: -£160

If I'm so rich why am I so badly broke?

To cover costs I've had to embarrassingly grovel to teachers for help with textbooks, get my mum to pay for driving lessons and borrow money for clothes.  Now who's so rich?

And for those who think i can just go to my parents can I remind you that they don't work.  My mum is disabled and my dad's her carer.  There is no money so please don't talk to me about money.  It is a sore point and never accuse me of lying about how much money I have.   In case you missed, I can't even afford to get lunch when I'm at work or school.  Welcome to the reality of my life.

Back to college

Sorry I've not been very active but it's a good thing. I'm getting better and doing really well. I'm back at school and going into year 13, my last ye before university with any luck so I have a lot of work to do. I need to do the impossible and bring my grades up by a minimum of a grade preferably 2 so its going to be a long year! Hoping to do a longer post soon but everything is up in the air at the moment so can't give a date.

Misconceptions around mental health

There are so many misconceptions around mental health so I really want to address the big ones.  Now I warn you now, I'm not setting out to make this a really long post but I've heard a lot of crap in my time!

I did a whole research project on it for my EPQ (the equivalent of the first year of A levels) so I know what I'm talking about it and seeing as 1 in 4 people are suffering with mental health problems this is serious shit that needs to be addressed.

• Depression and sadness are the same

If I hear one more person tell me how sad and depressed they are I am going to scream.  Its a fucking illness.  Yes, its not like the flu but it is still a diagnosable condition (and I'm pretty sure I just made that word up but I'm sticking with it) which affects all parts of life.  Yes, you feel sad but it also causes insomnia, fatigue (extreme tiredness), skin problems, hair loss and can be a contributing factor to developing other conditions be it mental or physical.

• "But you don't look sick!"

If I hear this again I swear I will punch them in the face.  I get this all the time whether its to do with my chronic illnesses or my depression.  Just because you hold it together in public does not mean you are okay.  For me, if I cry in front of you then you should be fucking honoured because I don't show you I'm struggling until I really trust you and if I talk to you about it then be more honoured than if your knighted because I don't talk to a lot of people about it.  Especially not face to face.

• It's a sign of weakness

Don't you dare let anyone tell you this!  For a starter everyone responds to traumatic event in different ways and second of all that isn't always the cause.  There are thought to be about 4 overall causes and without pulling out my biology and sociology knowledge because I can't be arsed and I'm still on my holiday they are illness, trauma, environmental stress and hereditary.  This means anything can cause it.  It doesn't make you weak.

• It's all in your head

No.  No it's not.  As I said, it's more than being a bit emotional, it affects the whole body.  Enough said.

• Real men don't get depression

Is it any fucking wonder that the biggest cause of death in men under 40 is depression when society has an attitude like this?!  If we really want this to change we have to change our attitude.

• Self harm is for attention seekers

Can I just say when your trying to recover and someone tells you that funnily enough it doesn't help.  It's not and for the majority of people it's something they are ashamed of and they want to hide, I know I did.  Wearing long sleeve tops in summer, getting changed in the toilets for P.E. so no one saw my scars, I did everything I could.  Now I speak out about it between relapses to help others.  And to those who did and now are ashamed of your scars, don't be.  They show the shit you went through and that you survived and that's something to be proud of.

• Self harm leads to suicide

I think with Oscar Pistorius I think this is something that needs addressing.  Often self harm is used to prevent suicide.  It's used as a coping mechanism for those that just want to be in control of something or feel numb and just need the pain or for many other reasons, not because they are trying to die.  Now I'm passed it I can say that yes I self harmed for different reasons each time and I did have suicidal thoughts but they weren't linked.

I'm really sorry this was so long!

For anyone interested in learning more there are some documentaries I love by celebrities which really are accurate and give a personal insight which I actually used in my research project and trust me, they are much more interesting than the dozens or academic research papers I read!

Professor Green: Suicide And Me

This ones all about depression and suicide, the causes and support.  One of my favourites.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VFZZdWlOyM

Tulisa: My Mum And Me

A brutally honest documentary on being a young carer and the effects on the mental health.  Warning: includes discussions about drugs and self harm in depth.  Could be a trigger.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgVjBNriB3A

UPDATE

For a change I would like to say this update is positive!

Things really are looking up right now.  I'm one week panic attack free and 2 weeks self harm free.  That may not seem big to someone who doesn't suffer with depression but to anyone who is or has been in my position you'll know that a big deal!  Things really are looking up and I owe it all to a couple of my friends who have taken to snapchatting me every day to make me laugh.  I really don't deserve them! They're the best!

Behind Closed Doors

It's such a cliché when it comes to mental health that you're a different person on your own but its true.  I break down and cry because it's the only time I get to.  I put on a mask during the day and when I'm in bed I can take that mask off and all those thoughts I've had to block out or ignore come flooding back and often it leaves me numb.  Imagine each thought was a person and they're all rushing to get through the door at the same time.  They are just going to get stuck and that's when you feel numb.  This is without a doubt the worst part. You feel like crap but you don't know why. 
Then comes the onslaught. One frees itself unblocking the door and all of these thoughts just come flooding in.  That's the point where you loose it.  Floods of tears and when you need someone you can trust the most.
This is why you need someone you really trust.  Someone you can take off the mask in front of a bit.  Someone who isn't family and may not even be a friend as such.  You just need to let the cracks show for a bit so you can deal with everything rationally. Don't go it alone.